A Silent Grief, A Quiet Sorrow

Have you ever lost someone who was so close to you that you didn't know how to explain life without mentioning their name? Remember the thousands of tears shed, the constant anguish (that feeling of two metal rods twisting in your stomach) that never seemed to leave, the agony of waiting for life to get back to normal while hoping it never does, the anger, the bitterness, the feeling of utter loneliness and despair? You go through the five stages of grief at different times in different ways. Remember all this? Now, imagine that this person is not a person after all, but a place; a place you don't think you will ever see again. You can't talk to anyone about it, because they just "wouldn't get it." They would try, a few might come close, but unless they know (or knew) the place, they will never truly fully understand. And that's what hurts. This place that shaped you and defined so much of you cannot be shared because it is not known by others. There is a depressing thought that for the rest of your life, people may never know who you really are. For so many TCK's, the loss they feel is from the death of a place, a time, an era. The tears come at unexpected times in the most random places. There is no seeming explanation. It was just a move. No one died. Those who have lost dear ones might read this and think bitterly that there is no comparison. Maybe they're right. We feel like we are not justified in our grief, that the loss really wasn't that great, and yet we grieve just the same. Silently. We carry the sorrow quietly in our hearts for days, months, years, because we can't explain it. There is a loneliness in this pain because it cannot be shared. We bury the heartache with time, because they say time heals all wounds. It doesn't.

There is only ONE who can heal, and it is He who also understands. He carries our burdens. He knows. 

17 If the Lord had not been my help,
    my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
18 When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
19 When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.
20 
22 But the Lord has become my stronghold,
    and my God the rock of my refuge.

Psalm 94: 17-19, 22

The mourning may be long, the sadness deep, but the Father, who is my Father, who created the sunrise and is just as faithful, has never left my side.